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Adam Kootman | Couples Therapist

 

Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (AMFT)

 

At a Glance

 

  • Couples therapist trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy

  • Focused on what keeps happening underneath the fight

  • Talks about sex, desire differences, and performance anxiety plainly. No shame.

  • Trained in sexuality after an affair and in taking a sexual history

  • More than 15 years in one relationship. Divorced. Rebuilt.

  • Co-parent. Went to co-parenting therapy so his daughter could have a stable life in two homes.

  • Professional musician and composer for more than a decade. Four albums. U.S. tours. Music for TV and major brands.

  • Neurodivergent himself. Notices when ADHD or processing differences are quietly part of the story.

  • LGBTQ+ affirming

 

When You've Grown Into Different People

 

Couples usually reach out when communication breaks down, intimacy feels like defusing a bomb, or they realize they've grown into different people.

 

You still care about each other. But the distance has been building. One small hurt at a time.

 

The fight changes topics. Chores. Phones. Money. Who forgot what. It always ends in the same place.

 

Pretty soon, the argument is no longer really about the thing that started it.

 

I'm less interested in who's right. I'm interested in what keeps happening underneath. The feelings. The fears. The pattern you both keep getting caught in, even though you both want something different.

 

What's Happening Underneath

 

Most couples get caught in some version of the same dance.

 

One person reaches. For reassurance. For closeness. For a real conversation.

 

The other pulls back to keep things from getting worse.

 

The more one pursues, the more the other withdraws. Both are trying to protect the relationship. Both end up feeling alone.

 

Attachment is often somewhere at the root of it. How you were loved, or weren't, still runs the show.

 

My work is grounded in Emotionally Focused Therapy. We slow the pattern down until you can both see it. We find the softer feelings under the anger or the silence. Then we practice reaching for each other in ways that actually land.

 

The pattern becomes the problem. Not either of you.

 

Sex and Desire

 

For a lot of couples, the hardest conversation isn't about chores. It's about sex.

 

It's slowed down. Or it feels disconnected. Or it's almost impossible to bring up. One of you wants more. The other feels pressure. Maybe performance anxiety has crept in.

 

I don't treat sex as an isolated problem. We look at what's happening underneath it. What happens when one person reaches and the other pulls away. How pressure, avoidance, and shame feed each other.

 

As those come down, there's more room for curiosity, pleasure, and connection.

 

I've trained in taking a sexual history. These are conversations I'm comfortable having directly.

 

After an Affair

 

When trust breaks, it can feel like the ground has moved.

 

One person is flooded with hurt and questions. The other may be drowning in shame, defensiveness, or both.

 

I've trained in sexuality after an affair. I approach this work steadily and without judgment. We make room for the hurt. We look at what was happening in the relationship before and around the affair. And if you both want it, we rebuild safety, trust, and physical connection. Step by step.

 

My Own Story

 

I spent more than 15 years in one relationship. We got married, became parents, and eventually divorced.

 

Looking back at that relationship, I can see ways neurodivergence was showing up long before I had language for it. Forgetting something could become much bigger than the forgotten thing. Getting overwhelmed could turn into shutting down. Two people could live the same moment and have two completely different experiences of it.

 

When nobody understands what is happening, everything can start to feel personal.

 

Divorce forced me to figure out who I was outside of a relationship I had been in for most of my adult life. Dating again made me think differently about intimacy, attraction, and attachment.

 

My daughter has two homes. Her other parent and I eventually went into co-parenting therapy, and years later we have built a stable life for her across both households.

 

That took work.

 

I had to learn how to communicate directly, regulate myself when emotions were high, let go of things I could not control, and accept that another person can experience the exact same situation very differently than I do.

 

Those are the same skills I help couples build. Whether they're staying together, or learning to be a family in a new shape.

 

Before Therapy

 

Before becoming a therapist, I spent more than a decade as a professional musician and composer in Los Angeles.

 

Four full-length albums. Tours across the United States. Music for film, television, and advertising campaigns for brands like Disney, Toyota, and American Express.

 

I spent those years using music to evoke emotion. Paying attention to tension, timing, and what was shifting under the surface.

 

Eventually, that curiosity moved from music into people and relationships.

 

That feels like a pretty natural progression to me.

 

A Different Kind of Brain in the Room

 

Here's something many couples don't realize. Sometimes the problem isn't love or values. It's processing.

 

I was diagnosed as autistic and ADHD in my late 30s, after my own marriage had ended. A lot of our hardest moments made more sense after that.

 

One partner forgets things. Gets overwhelmed by noise or too many demands. Needs more time alone. Reacts intensely to criticism. The other partner reads it as not caring.

 

Usually, it isn't.

 

Neither of you needs a diagnosis to work with me. But if processing differences are part of your story, I'll notice. And I can help you both understand them without anyone being made the problem.

 

How I Work

 

My work is emotionally focused and attachment-based, with a psychodynamic, trauma-informed foundation. I'm trained in Emotionally Focused Individual Therapy (EFIT) through the International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy. My practice is LGBTQ+ affirming and neurodiversity-affirming.

 

I was always told I was sensitive. In the therapy room, that's useful. I notice small shifts in tone, expression, and emotion. It helps me see what may be happening underneath the argument.

 

Who I Work With

 

  • Couples who feel disconnected, stuck, or more like roommates than partners

  • Couples caught in the same recurring fight

  • Partners with different levels of desire, or a sex life that's hard to talk about

  • Couples dealing with performance anxiety, or intimacy that feels pressured or avoided

  • Couples rebuilding trust after infidelity

  • Couples in big transitions, like new parenthood or a career change

  • Separated and divorced parents learning to co-parent

  • LGBTQ+ couples

  • Couples where ADHD or other processing differences may be part of the picture

  • Individuals working on attachment, anxiety, and relationship patterns

 

What to Expect in Session

 

Therapy with me is conversational, reflective, and collaborative.

 

I won't take sides. I won't let one person become the problem. I'll tell you what I'm noticing and check whether it fits.

 

Some sessions focus on what happened this week. Others go into the longer patterns underneath.

 

Need more time to process? A pause? A written summary afterward? All welcome.

 

This isn't about who's right or who's to blame. It's about understanding what's happening between you.

 

Training and Education

 

Education:

  • M.A. in Clinical Psychology, Marriage and Family Therapy emphasis, Pepperdine University (Academic Honors, 2026)

  • B.A. in Psychology, California State University, Northridge

  • A.A. in Psychology, Santa Monica College

 

Training:

  • Emotionally Focused Individual Therapy (EFIT) Essentials 1 & 2, International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy (ICEEFT)

  • Attachment and ADHD: How ADHD Traits Shape Attachment Bonds in Couples, LA-CAMFT

  • Taking a Sexual History: Unlocking a Client's Past, Los Angeles County Psychological Association

  • Sexuality After an Affair, Los Angeles County Psychological Association

  • Dream Analysis: Jungian Origins and Clinical Application, LA-CAMFT

  • Cultural Competency in Dementia Care

 

Clinical experience: Individual, couples, and group therapy with adults across private practice and community mental health settings, including an adult day program and counseling center supporting adults and older adults through anxiety, depression, grief, life transitions, and cognitive change. Mentor and employment specialist for neurodivergent young adults, supporting executive functioning, self-advocacy, emotional regulation, and confidence at work.

 

Approaches: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT and EFIT), attachment-based therapy, psychodynamic and person-centered therapy, and trauma-informed care, with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and motivational interviewing when they fit

 

Before therapy: More than a decade as a professional musician, songwriter, and composer, including four full-length albums, U.S. tours, and music for film, television, and advertising

 

Professional memberships: ICEEFT; American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT); California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (CAMFT); Los Angeles County Psychological Association (LACPA)

 

Affirming care: LGBTQ+ affirming and neurodiversity-affirming

 

Specialty Areas

 

Neurodiverse Couples | Couples Therapy | Emotionally Focused Therapy | Pursue-Withdraw Cycles | Communication and Conflict | Emotional Disconnection | Sex, Intimacy, and Desire Differences | Performance Anxiety | Infidelity and Trust Repair | Attachment | Divorce and Co-Parenting | Life Transitions | ADHD in Relationships | LGBTQ+ Couples

 

License

 

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