Communication: The most common place couples start with in therapy is communication. Sometimes the hardest thing about talking is making a safe space for it. If you’re both feeling tense about a subject or it’s sparked painful fights in the past, the couple will avoid tough topics like the plague.

We help couples start from a position of acknowledging each other’s needs. This allows for a calmer and more respectful discussion. You will practice active listening, which many couples are well aware of, but is so often overlooked. Active listening means really taking on board what the other person is saying, without getting distracted or caught up in your own train of thoughts.

Once basic communication skills are being practiced, couples talk about some of the issues that have been bothering them, sometimes for years. Applying the new skills to tough issues will give the couple confidence that they can resolve tough issues and still feel close.

Loss of Intimacy: After years and sometimes decades, many couples drift apart and begin feeling like roommates. The emotional connection fades and the sexual fires go out. Although they still care for each other and have built a history together, they don’t know how to restart the fire. A CRC couples therapist can guide them in rediscovery of the way back to emotional and physical intimacy.

Trust: Trust may be the most important pillar of a healthy relationship. It’s the thing that allows two people to open up to one another, feeling confident that they can share their most authentic selves without fear of judgment or shame. Sometimes it is threatened or destroyed when one person does something that feels to the other like a betrayal—a lie, an affair, or hiding something crucial from the other person.

If you struggle with trust in your relationship, you probably know that it can take a real toll on your happiness. But if you’re willing to enter into a process of understanding, accepting responsibility, forgiveness and reconciliation, you can save a relationship with trust issues and begin to move forward together.

Premarital Counseling: Congratulations! You’ve found someone you want to accompany you through life. You’re on your way to happily-ever-after; however, you are wise enough to take the journey into premarital counseling to ensure your marriage is starting off on a solid foundation. The therapy is customized to each couple but the usual topics include:

• Establishing a safe and open space to talk about your expectations for your future together

• Learn good communication skills

• Explore your relationship patterns and how they can work for or against you

• Understand each other's family and how that influences how they will show up in a marriage

• Discuss the stages of marriage and be prepared to thrive in each one of them
  

• Get alignment around important life values

Other Common Issues: No matter who you are with, there will be some areas of life that are difficult for you. If you were with a different partner, you would probably fight about different topics. In couples therapy, you learn how to resolve these differences in ways that feel bonding, not separating. These areas might include:

• parenting styles,

• spending habits,

• sexual preferences and connection,

• in-laws and extended family,

• lifestyle choices,

• faith and spirituality,

• core values, and

• vision for the future

Research shows that on average couples endure six years of marital distress before seeking counseling. Nonetheless, therapy is very effective in dealing with long-standing problems by helping you try something different (as opposed to just trying harder). No matter how long you have been struggling, if you are willing to try and receive solid guidance, you can overcome your struggles and feel good about the compromises and trade-offs that you make for your relationship.

You're probably asking this question because you've struggled to have productive conversations with each other.

Our therapists work really hard to help you constructively handle reactivity, defensiveness and negative emotions. You will learn a highly structured way to talk that will feel completely different and emotionally safe. We will help your conversations shift from a battleground to a comfortable and productive place to connect.

Yes. A well-trained therapist will help you have a new communication experience, one where you feel fully heard by your partner. Your therapist should not allow you to get stuck in the painful patterns of circular arguments. Our couples therapists have the training and skills to accomplish this goal.

Often people are reluctant to try couples therapy because of a concern that they will be blamed for all the struggles in the relationship. Our therapists do not allow the blame game happen. Instead, our goal for couples’ work is actually the opposite. In therapy, you’ll learn that there is something that is not functioning within the “system” of your relationship and not exclusively with either of you as individuals. With our help, you and your partner will learn how to identify what’s keeping you from communicating with respect and compassion. You will also learn concrete skills to shift the patterns that are keeping you feeling stuck and isolated.

If your partner still refuses to attend, individual therapy with a focus on the relationship can be effective – though probably not as much. Understanding your own issues and learning some tools to help improve communication can lead to a healthier and more fulfilling relationship. And, your commitment to healing through therapy may inspire your partner to be curious. You may invite him to attend a session to try meet the therapist and give it a try.

Whether you have a faith background or not, our goal is to match you with a counselor who can serve you as a trustworthy resource for professional, loving, non-judgmental care.

If spirituality is important to you, several of our therapists are well equipped to integrate that into your therapy but would not do so without your explicit request. If this is of interest to you, please discuss this with your therapist before you get started.

We discourage anyone in an abusive relationship to seek couples counseling because abuse is not a relationship problem.

Couples counseling is designed to help partners communicate with each other, resolve problems, and see issues from their partner's perspective. It does NOT change an unequal power structure that is typical of an abusive relationship.

Our fear is that an abuser may react to what is said in therapy and later harm his or her partner. Therapy often causes a person to feel vulnerable. If the abuser is embarrassed or upset about something mentioned in therapy, he or she may punish his or her partner to restore a sense of control. Our goal is for therapy to be a “safe space” for a couple so the couple can be honest with each other about their problems; however, your therapist can not assure that safety outside of session times and does not want this vulnerability to backfire.

Also, you may not know if your relationship is abusive. Often the abused partner cannot tell whether a relationship is abusive because the abuse has distorted her or his sense of what is healthy behavior. And if the therapist does not know about the abuse, therapy will not work and the abuse may get worse. In fact, the abuser may distort reality placing the blame for the couple's problems firmly on the abused partner.

If you are unsure if you are in an abusive relationship, set up an individual session with one of our therapists to discuss your situation. If you then decide your relationship is clearly not abusive or the abuse is "situational abuse" that can be safely worked through, couples therapy may begin. If you decide your relationship is or may be abusive, your therapist can help you build a personal safety plan, discuss how to set up healthy boundaries, and give you additional resources for yourself and your partner. If your partner is proactive in seeking help and is in full recovery, then couples counseling may begin.

To learn more about this topic, go to:

RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network)

https://www.rainn.org/about-rainn

Love is Respect

National Domestic Violence Hotline

Associate Marriage and Family Therapists are therapists who:

• have completed all of their graduate school education,

• are building expertise in a special domain such as couples therapy and/or neurodiversity, and

• are gaining more experience as working professionals.

In California, psychotherapists must gain thousands of hours under the supervision of a more experienced therapist before they can become "fully licensed".

You can think of this supervision process like meeting with your boss once a week to check in on what's going well and what needs work. This long professional development process is for your protection. We have complete confidence in all of the Associates on our team and encourage you to meet them to see what you think.

Associate Therapists are Well Educated

An associate therapist has completed their Masters degree from an accredited program. Marriage and Family Therapy masters programs are rigorous and graduates must demonstrate proficiency in research, therapeutic orientations, approaches, and interventions. They must also have personal qualities of a good therapist including empathy, warm acceptance, and the ability to create a non-judgmental, comforting space.

Associate Therapists Hands On Experience

Obtaining a Master’s degree isn’t all theoretical book work. Associate therapists have worked directly with clients during their Master's program and with our group. They use these interactions to hone in on the specific methodologies they want to focus on learning and applying, all while receiving rigorous hands-on supervision and training. Your associate therapist has used her skills to help other clients and they’ve seen results.

Associate Therapists have Relevant Experience Prior to College

Many associate therapists have been interested in human development and working closely with people before they went to school to be a therapist. These experiences all benefit you as your associate therapist has many years of building skills in listening and relating, and as well as consciously developing into empathetic and attuned individuals. Many of our associate therapists have decades of personal and professional experience: getting married and raising a family; working in teaching, human resources, tutoring; certified in coaching, yoga and mindfulness meditation; and have extensive multi-cultural experiences and experience working with diverse groups. These dynamics have helped shape them into excellent therapists.

Associate Therapists have Passed the California Law and Ethics Exam

Here in California, Associate therapists must pass this exam in order to be registered as an AMFT. You can rest assured that your associate therapist will abide by privacy practices, legal requirements, and the code of ethics that is required of all therapists.

Associate Therapists are Carefully Selected

To work at the Couples Recovery Center or the Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center, your therapist was chosen because they bring quality education and experience that will be valuable to the clients the practice serves. We only hire associate therapists who are aligned with our group's mission and able to provide the same high level of care that our group aspires to.

Associate Therapists Work Under Supervision

As mentioned above, Associate therapists must work under the supervision of a licensed therapist. This means that as the client, you receive the benefit of the experience and knowledge of two therapists, your Associate and her or his supervisor. Every week, a supervisor reviews the associate therapists’ cases and offers feedback, answers questions, and provides ongoing training for the associate therapist. You can feel confident that your associate therapist will use this time to make sure they have the knowledge they need to best help you.

We hope that has answered your questions and cleared up any misconceptions about Associate Therapists. If you’d like to know more, do not hesitate to ask your therapist.

The first step with couples is to gently get the problems out in the open without everyone feeling attacked. We usually pinpoint the obvious problems in the first session and other ones surface during our work together.

The second step is to identify the main themes behind the conflict and understand the deeper issues that keep the conflict from being resolved. Couples mostly can describe the themes but struggle to make the connection to the deeper issues.

The third step is to help you learn tools for intimacy, communication, managing anger, and expressing compassion in order to heal the deep wounds that have been inflicted. This last step is the toughest but most rewarding.

​

WHAT WE DO:

• We work hard to be caring and compassionate to BOTH of you.

• We help you improve the way you respond to your partner in a way that doesn't offend and also doesn't violate your values or convictions.

• We actively try to help your marriage and the provide resources that you need to solve your marital problems. This goes beyond just clarifying your problems. • We am active in structuring our sessions together. • We offer reasonable and helpful perspectives to help you understand the sources of your problems. • We challenge each of you about your contributions to the problems and about your capacity to make individual changes to resolve the problems. • We offer specific strategies for changing your relationship and coach you on how to use them. • We am alert to individual matters such as depression, alcoholism, and medical illness that might be influencing your marital problems. WHAT WE DO NOT DO:​

• We do not take sides. • We do not permit you and your spouse to interrupt each other, talk over each other, or speak for the other person. • We do not let you and your spouse engage in repeated angry exchanges during the session. • Although we may explore how your family-of-origin backgrounds influence your problems, the focus is on how to deal with your current marital problems rather than just on insight into how you developed these problems.

WHAT WE NEED FROM YOU:​

• We need you to spend time focused on each other. This can be difficult with work and family demands; however, you only improve when you take time to practice your new skills together.

• We need you to focus more on "self-confrontation" than "other-confrontation". More change happens when you work on yourself than your partner. If BOTH of you work on your part of the equation, change in the relationship takes off.

• We need you to learn to listen even when you disagree with your partner. This will help you (and me) understand the deeper issue and respond in a better way.

SPECIFIC TOOLS

​Some of the specific tools which we offer to couples include:

• Communication (sending/speaking and receiving/listening)

• Anger management

• Relaxation skills

• Using "I" statements

• Ventilation sessions

• Fair fighting techniques

• Family-of-origin mapping

• Love languages • Love lists

• Caring days

• Sensate exercises

• Parenting guidance

• Strengths inventory

• Affirmation skill building • Building a shared relationship vision

STRUCTURE BUT NOT A COOKIE CUTTER

There is no simple formula to making a marriage succeed. Each marriage is an once-in-a-lifetime experiment in learning to be flexible and committing to respect another human being's needs as well as speaking up for your own. we will work hard to understand your unique situation and find solutions that fit you.

Roughly 40% of couples begin therapy with the Couples Recovery Center as a result of an affair which has brought devastation to their marriage and has thrown their lives into a crisis. Some couples feel completely hopeless and are certain that the relationship is over. Others are willing to try to move forward but have no idea how to do so while dealing with inflamed emotions.

In most cases, clients describe the experience as a shockingly loud wake-up call. Although painful, they ultimately realize that it has the potential to lead to healing in their lives.

Our role in your recovery is to provide a safe structured process to help you move forward. This structure is customized for each couple but usually consists of the following stages:

First Stage: CRISIS MANAGEMENT

1. MANAGING THE EXTREME FEELINGS: This often includes normalizing the extreme feelings that are being expressed, and learning to contain the anger.

2. SUPPORT SYSTEM: You will need a few trustworthy people who you can turn to for support. We will agree up front who should be told about what has happened.

3. BOUNDARIES FOR FEELING SAFE: We help you negotiate safe boundaries for physical space, sleeping arrangements, child care, touch, communication, money, and coordination of responsibilities during the recovery period.

Second Stage: RECOMMITMENT

1. ADDRESS AMBIVALENCE: In the midst of swirling emotions, it is extremely difficult to make a thoughtful decision about your marriage. Choosing your path forward is often based on careful consideration of your beliefs, values, needs and circumstances. As the crisis subsides, if needed, we will work with either partner to help you decide whether to attempt recovery. Often clients are unsure but will try affair-recovery therapy believing it will either heal their marriage or allow them to really learn how to be a better partner for future relationships and behave better in co-parenting.

2. ENDING THE AFFAIR: If the decision is made to recommit to the relationship, recovery must begin by the offending party severing all ties to the affair partner. If the affair continues in any form, the wounding and betrayal only get worse.

3. TRANSPARENCY: Transparency is an essential step in recommitment and in rebuilding trust. If the offending partner is able to offer complete access to cell phone records, emails, and computer accounts, restoration of trust can begin. In any information is hidden, even if innocent, it will slow down the healing process. The pain caused by dishonesty is often worse than the sexual or emotional betrayal.

Third Stage: REINVENTING YOUR MARRIAGE

1. RESTORING COMMUNICATION: After an affair, couples often lose the ability to have a simple conversation. Defensiveness and shame take over and destroy one's ability to listen and respond with compassion. When the betrayed partner expresses feelings with a partner who is unwilling or unable to listen, it heightens the already emotionally-charged feelings. We offer highly structured communication training to help the offending partner avoid the traps of shifting blame, denial of what happened, or withdrawal.

Also, the betrayed partner will receive training from me on how to ask questions in a non-accusatory way. This partner will often have a burning desire to understand how and why the infidelity occurred. These questions can only be answered by the offending partner; however, we work hard to keep the questions from degrading into counter-productive punishment of the betrayed partner.

2. UNDERSTANDING WHAT HAPPENED: An accounting of the affair needs to be discussed before the betrayed partner can believe that trust can be restored. Careful judgment needs to be exercised so that important details are brought to light while avoiding needlessly negative images of the affair which could unnecessarily magnify the trauma.

3. WHY IT HAPPENED / DECIPHERING THE MEANING OF THE AFFAIR: Most couples first assume that an affair was about the sex. It usually isn't. In my experience, there is usually a deeper reason. In therapy, the couple will begin a shared journey of soul-searching in order to develop a full picture of why the affair happened. A step-by-step review of the affair and your marriage will provide a pathway to clues for understanding. We will consider:

- how you may have been wounded by experiences during your childhood and how that is showing up in your current relationship;

- how you may be affected by previous damage (sexual, financial, parenting, or otherwise) by your partner;

- how your partner's qualities that drive you crazy may be ones that you long to have for yourself;

- how stressful events in your lives that occurred prior to the affair may have pushed you off-kilter and contributed to the struggles in the relationship.

To be clear, these problems are not justifications for an affair. Nonetheless, understanding them helps the couple to prevent recurrence.

For example, if the offending partner suffers from low self-esteem that was lifted up by the affair partner, then we will work on healthy ways to build confidence. If there was an anger issue in the relationship that created distance in the marriage, then anger management will be a major focus. If the betrayed partner was emotionally unavailable to the betrayed spouse, we will identify the roots of the unavailability and work toward vulnerability and openness.

In each case, we help you explore these deeper issues in a healing fashion.

4. FEELING THE IMPACT / RELEASING THE EMOTIONAL PAIN: The hurt partner will learn to talk in ways that allow your spouse to hear you and have compassion for your pain. The unfaithful partner will learn to listen in a way that encourages your partner to be vulnerable and open.

5. OWNING THE DECISION: The unfaithful partner will learn how to fully own the decision to have the affair without minimizing it.

6. TRUST-BUILDING EVIDENCE: You will rebuild:

a) Trust that your partner will be faithful. In doing so, you will both learn to recognize and manage your differences so that you can stay committed even at times when you do not feel loved or wanted in the relationship. We will identify specific steps that you will take in these circumstances and thus provide "Trust Building Evidence" (T.B.E) that the betrayal will not happen again.

b) Trust that your partner will address your struggles with the relationship and not cause you to regret your decision to recommit.

7. SEXUAL INTIMACY: Restoration of sexual intimacy is a critical part of the healing process. I support couples as they seek to acknowledge sexual fears and regain trust in the bedroom.

8. FORGIVENESS: Only after all the steps above take place, the gift of forgiveness can be given and a new marriage can begin.

HEALING

We believe that good people can become lost in a marriage and make costly mistakes. While an affair is a devastating event, there is a path to healing if both partners are willing to be honest and re-commit to the relationship. The goal is never to return to the marriage that was, but to create a RADICALLY NEW marriage that is much more capable of meeting each other's needs - a new marriage that is based on commitment, deep friendship, and passion.

Books: Not Just Friends, After the Affair / Getting Past the Affair / Torn Asunder (Christian) , You, Him and the Other Woman. These books can help but they will probably not be enough. Personalized support by an experienced therapist is usually key to survive the crisis and rebuild the relationship.